Keeping it interesting

Happy new year, and welcome to my first post since last August. Begin sarcastic clapping.......now.

Now that I'm the father of a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old, I've had to make a few modifications to my long term 'athletic' goals. I'm no longer interested in running fast. Say what? How can that be? Isn't running fast the only motivation to run in the first place? Okay. Fine. It used to be. However, now that I'm physically incapable of running fast, I'm no longer interested in it. LDO. Now I need to think of some things to do to keep the running interesting, otherwise I'll continue my fat-ward slide into creamy wussiness.

Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Set the world record for running a marathon while dribbling a basketball.

I'll have to check, but I think the record is currently a very pedestrian 3:40-something. I think even my old bones could manage that.

2. Finish The Western States 100 while drinking a beer at each aid station.

I think that's something like 20 beers, but I also think it would only take me about 20 hours, so I don't think I'd even get buzzed. Maybe it'll have to be two beers at each station? As soon as I get my qualifier, I'll start looking for sponsors. I'm really hoping I can get Anchor or Sierra Nevada to pay my entry fee ($370?!?! Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, that's a lot of money. Does it come with a hand job and a bag of weed?), but I'll stoop as low as I have to. I see you, Olde English 800 3.2!

3. Run the Bay to Breakers 12k wearing just a thong and a George W. Bush mask.

Wait...I already did that ten years ago.

Holy shit...It's been 10 years? Meeeeeehmorieeeees....

4. Try not to mortify my kids the way my Dad did me.

This one may be in direct conflict with numbers 1, 2 and 3.

If anybody reads this and has any suggestions for other goofy shit I can do, please share. I don't think I'll get any suggestions, since the only people who read this are my wife and possibly some guy in Norway, but I'm making the request anyway.

[ ] Abandoned Blog

An abandoned blog is a sad thing. This is not an abandoned blog. Sure, I haven't posted shit an a long time, but there's a very good reason for that. I haven't had shit to blog about. Sure, there's been plenty of blog material coming from having a two-year-old and a wife that's 9+ months preggers with our second little bundle of joy and poop, but this is not one of those blogs. This is supposed to be about the aging distance runner, and this aging distance runner hasn't run a step in weeks. Once Cupcake finally drops her womb-load I'll start running again. It'll probably only be 30 minutes at a time in between feedings when both Juniors are napping (and when I should probably be napping too), but I can't fucking wait. I'm really tired of being old, fat and slow. Maybe someday I can just be old.

Back in Bidness

As of Thursday last week I've changed my medication from Etodolac to Anchor Steam, and there has been much rejoicing.  As of Sunday last I've started running again.  It's more of a ludicrously slow jog than a run, but that really doesn't matter.  Every day, except for one day off, I've started my run fully expecting it to end in disaster.  My bad knee would always hurt at the beginning, but not bad enough to make me quit.  Then it would get a little better and stay just well enough that I could finish the run I'd planned, but not much better.  Then it would be sore throughout the next day.  It was not encouraging.  Then Sunday morning Cupcake chased me out of the house, demanding that I take a little much-needed time for myself.  For once I didn't argue, and I went out to tackle the powerlines trail, which I completed without any problems with my knee.  That was encouraging.  Then I checked my training log and saw that I ran 52 miles last week, which isn't much less than I was doing before I got hurt.  That was also encouraging.  Today everything feels pretty normal, which is just great.  I guess I'm back in training until Junior Jr. squeezes his way through Cupcake's lady garden sometime in the beginning of August.  Woot!

A few thoughts even more random than usual:

1.  I can do seven pull-ups now.  This my be a Guinness Book world record for the most pull-ups ever achieved by a complete and total wuss.  I'll have to check.

2.  Beavis and Butthead have ruined children's books for me.  Whenever I read to Junior Sr., I'll invariably utter a word or phrase that'll make me chortle-snicker-whatever because it's funny, even though it shouldn't be.  Some examples:
"That night, Reggie showed me his junk."
"Fat raindrops began falling on Shrek's hot knob"

 I can't get through "Where the Wild Things Are" without breaking into a Tone Loc impersonation at least 6 or 7 times.  Help me.



3.  From a distance runner's perspective, gaining 10 pounds of flab feels the same as gaining 10 pounds of upper-body muscle mass which feels the same as duct-taping a 10 pound pork shoulder to your head.  Not that the 10 pounds I gained during my two months off is all muscle.  It's definitiely a combination of the three things mentioned above. Mmmm...pork products...

4.  Who puts four random thoughts into a blog? Not me, that's for sure.

Mmmmm...drugs...

I'm on drugs.  Somebody get me The Original Whizzinator!

Almost immediately following my last post, the minor pain in my POS knee get a lot worse and stayed that way for over a week.  Good times.  So I haven't run since then, except for one failed test where I jogged the 20 feet to the end of our driveway and had to stop.  After another trip to doctor and another $60 in co-pays I got a prescription for Etodolac, a heavy-duty anti-inflamatory with a list of nasty-sounding side effects long enough to make Happy Fun Ball blush.  I'll be taking it twice a day for three weeks for my tendonitis, which was almost certainly caused by all the stretching I did during my month off.  Oh...and no alcohol.  Argh!!!!  I'll continue to lose fitness and get fat, and I'll have to do it dead, stone sober.

And now, a word about shoes.

Back to the Grind

And by 'grind' I don't really mean training.  I'm only running every other day for a little while, so that's not really much of a grind.  No, the grind I'm talking about is the hot, bone-on-arthritic-bone action that's happening in my left knee with every step.  Squibilly flabbiddy doo!

That may be overstating the severity of the pain, but it's definitely beyond nagging, beyond irritating, and rapidly approaching super-fucking-annoying.  As expected, the month off with physical therapy didn't help at all.  At least it was only a month.  I remember when, as a young man, I had a bout of IT band syndrome that made running very painful.  My doctor at the time gave me the whole "rest it and do these exercises and we'll see if it improves."  When it didn't fucking improve after 6 months the guy says, "Okay.  Here's a shot of cortizone."  Two weeks later my knee is fine.  Jesus Jackhammering Christ, Doc.  How 'bout busting out the needle a little sooner...like before I get overweight, out of shape, and slow from not running for six months?

On Wednesday I went back to the shoe nazi and got some new Wave Inspires, hoping that might help.   It didn't...and those motherfuckers cost $115 now.  I may have to adopt Fat Ricky's shoe buying strategy pretty soon (Go to the running shoe store and buy the second cheapest pair of Asics).  I don't know if it was the new shoes or whether my now-less-weak-than-before hammies have altered my stride, but now I've got pain in a new spot altogether on the same knee.  I'd wager it's tendonitis.  Whatever.  It's time to shut the fuck up and plow through it.  As of tonight I've started medicating with Ibuprofen and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

Tomorrow morning is Bay to Breakers, my favorite road race ever, in beautiful San Francisco, CA.  I won't be participating this year, but I'll be sending out good vibes and admiration to all those who are drunk and/or naked on a public street at 8 o'clock on a Sunday morning.  Cheers!

[ ] The Happiest Place on Earth

My month off from running continues.  I now haven't run a step in three weeks.  When I chase after Junior at the park or anywhere that he escapes his toddler straitjacket ($24.99 @ Babies R Us), I skip on my good leg.  It's kinda fun.

What's NOT kinda fun is Disneyland.  Cupcake is into it and is indroctrinating Junior into her little cult of animated films, 6-foot tall talking rats, ducks with shirts and ties but no pants, and $14 churros.  I humor her and tag along because I love her.  Stupid, lousy love....

We spent 3 days in Anaheim visiting Disneyland last week and it was exhausting.  Junior has all the patience of a meth-addicted hummingbird, so standing in lines for rides was not his cup of tea.  Nor was waiting for a shuttle bus...or riding a shuttle bus...or going through airport security...or sitting for an hour on an airplane...or having no beer available...basically all the things we had to do to make our Disney dreams come true.  I think Junior had some fun between tantrums, and we popped his air-travel cherry, so yeah...best vacation ever!

My month off, week #1

Here's what's been happening with me during my self-imposed 'vacation' from running as I attempt to fix my POS knee.

Day 1: Wednesday 4/18/12

Watched "The Descendents" with Cupcake. Not bad. If I were the director of that movie, and I was a little bit more of an asshole than I already am, I would've made Clooney do about 50 takes of the scene where he's running through the neighborhood in flip flops. Just sayin'.

Day 2: Thursday 4/19/12

Saw my doctor, got x-rays, made a physical therapy appointment for Saturday. When the nurse entered my vitals into the computer, it told her to ask me two questions. Question One: Do I do a fair amount of aerobic exercise? This must pop up when the patient's pulse is low. Mine was 45 beats/minute. I told her I've been running between 50 and 60 miles a week. She then asked, "So that would be...something like...3 days a week? 30 minutes a day?" I told her 7 days a week, about an hour at a time. That seemed to satisfy her curiosity. Question Two: Do I drink more than 5 alcoholic beverages a day? My answer:  "You buying?"

Day 3:  Friday 4/20/12

Stayed home from work because Cupcake was pregnant, sick, and had an additional, 'unmentionable' medical issue.  I'll spare everyone the gory details of the issue, but I did get to hear Cupcake shout, "MY ASSHOLE FUCKING HURTS SO BAD!" at least twice.

Day 4:  Saturday 4/21/12

Biked home from the Toyota dealership after dropping off our gangsta Prius for the 10,000 mile service.  Then it was off to Kaiser Permanente for a group class on rehabbing my knee.  Now I've got some exercises for strengthening my hammies and glutes that I'll be doing every day for the rest of my life.  Yay?  Then it was back on the bike to pick up the Prius with the new 23" rimzzz.  Holla!

Day 5:  Sunday 4/22/12

La la la la...la la la la...Elmo's song! La la la la...la la la la...Elmo's song!

Day 6:  Monday 4/23/12

Finished installing the chandelier Cupcake bought months ago.  There was a lot going on with this project.  Climbing around in the attic, cutting holes in the ceiling, installing a new electrical box, wiring, patching drywall, and then actually hanging this sucker on the ceiling.  Celebrated by doing my physical therapy exercises.

Day 7:  Tuesday 4/24/12

Cupcake made meatball subs for dinner, and they were marvelous.  After the feast, I did my rehab exercises.  Stretching is part of the exercises.  That's right.  I like to live dangerously.  I may have felt something move in my knee as I was exiting a standing quad stretch.  This seems like it should be bad, but it didn't hurt and afterward it actually felt pretty good, so maybe it was a move from Paintown to Smoothsville?  Probably not, but maybe...just maybe.  If the knee is now suddenly better, I'll have to amend my 'stretching causes injuries' theory to 'stretching toggles injuries.'

My Shit's Fucked Up

I very gingerly jogged about 6 miles last night, taking care with every step not to hurt myself, but I still hurt myself. I gotta stop doing that.

Done.

The new plan is to not run a step for one month. During that month, I'll be trying to strengthen my incredibly weak hamstrings and quads. I'm sure my doctor or doctors are going to recommend stretching.

As everyone should know by now, stretching causes injuries. But since I'm already injured, I shouldn't worry about that. Right? Then, if I stretch my injured leg, should I stretch the good one too, and risk hurting myself there? What happens if I start running again and have one stretched leg and one unstretched? How bad will that be? My mind is more boggled than Deion Sanders' was when he hosted the Miss USA pageant.

Anyway, here's the new theme song for thaoblogg. Enjoy!

[x] injured

And just like that, it was over.

After months of gradual deterioration, and a couple of weeks of pretty rapid deterioration, my oft-fucked-up left knee finally jumped its own personal shark about 3 minutes into last night's tempo run. When this has happened in the past, I've been able to get it back in action after a little while. Not this time. After three tries to get moving again, I had to give up and walk home. I guess now I'll be forced to see a doctor about it. Le sigh.

There's a chance I'll be able to run tonight, however. It may just be that I can't run fast in my fun, lightweight shoes anymore.

[x] Ass: kicked.

Friday I had the rare opportunity to run at lunchtime. Normally I go home at lunchtime to help get Junior down for his nap, and then run at night after Junior goes to bed. However, Cupcake wanted to get a pizza and watch War Horse on Friday night so at high noon I hauled my old bones over to Rancho San Antonio to do a fartlek on the powerlines trail.

On the powerlines trail, after a little warmup hill to get the juices a-flowin', there are 5 climbs to the top before heading back down the high meadow trail. The climbs vary in length and grade, with the first being the longest and the last being the steepest. The plan was to work the climbs as hard as possible and recover on the short drops between the climbs.

As I was making my way up the climbs, working as hard as I could, I thought to myself, "Self...I don't think you're going any faster up these hills than you do when you're working a lot less hard. Are you really getting any sort of workout in besides a nice run in the hills?" It took me a day to find the answer to that question, which was a resounding "Yes!" It's Monday night, and I'm still sore from that motherfucker. Guess I was doing it right.